I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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