Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
