I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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