She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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