She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
