Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
