I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
