I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
