worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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