i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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