Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
