I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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