I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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