u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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