There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
