It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Green mimosas i think yes
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
