tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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