we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
