i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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