My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
