you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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