Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
