After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
