my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
