Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
