Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
