As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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