Capitaan dildo arrescate!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You've changed since you got that strap on
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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