Your face is a jimmy john
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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