he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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