My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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