well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
