everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
