Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
