i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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