you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I came so hard my ears popped.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
