I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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