apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
