Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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