Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
