i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
