He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
