i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
