I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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