and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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