did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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