I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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