theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
