We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
