Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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