Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
